Shaking off the Shackles

It's finally here, the first day of the rest of my life! Technically, I guess I could proclaim that each morning when I wake up. This is a big one though. After thirty some years of working for somebody else, I'm taking leave. No, this is not retirement. I don't like the idea behind 'retirement'. To me, it means, " work yourself hard for most of the good years of your life, and then try to make up for that when you 'retire". That's not my idea of a life well-lived. It's the balance that's important and most folks, like me, struggle to find it. So I'm taking back my life, rolling it into a ball and I'm going to begin re-shaping it to a life that suits me. I'm not entirely sure yet, but I think that has been what my body has been asking of me for 20 years....to live from my center. To honor who I am and what I bring to the table of life, to uncover, unfold and lay it out there; and then live from it. To live right from the center of that self that is open, vulnerable and exposed. What do you bet I'm going to snatch it back from that table and hide it a number of times before I'm ready to just be there? Oh, yes.

So what does this have to do with Chronic (Joy) Pain? Have I been suffering lately? You bet. I would venture to say that whether your pain is in your body, your mind, your emotions or your burdens, most, if not all people, suffer chronic pain. Do they know it? When it's in your body, you can't ignore it. When it shows up as alot of problems and difficulties, it's a lot easier to deny. I'd also venture to say that there is a lot of chronic pain that features the sufferer as the 'victim'. As long as you are the victim, you won't be able to heal it. I can say that, but I'm still learning what that means. It is so easy to be a victim when things go awry. Finding that center, that inner strength is part of the answer. Learning to trust it and to stay with it is the practice. I can say that the last few days of my job, while emotionally tough, have been very calm...deep inside me. It remains to be seen how this will morph in the days to come. It's all mine now, no one to blame or thank but me. Now I can choose, will I be the accused, the victim, the judge and the jury or just an observer?

To begin

I wasn't going to start this blog until the first day of the rest of my life...that was supposed to be after my last day of work. I jumped the gun by about a month. So here I am, with my catchy title, I suppose I should say something important, profound, earth shaking even. But not today.

Here's my comment for today; "Chronic Joy", what kind of a title is that, are you CRAZY?

Crazy is a relative term and you would be too if you had just spent the last month in various stages of great physical discomfort. Sleeping in a chair instead of a bed, and not eating much. This is about finding the joy, the humor and the joie de vive in the most ridiculous moments of a life.

Crazy would be what any 'normal' person would think is strange because they've not had the opportunity to surf the edge of normal and to see what' s out beyond the safe zone. So here goes nothing, diving in deep now. Once you get past being a victim of pain, you have to ask yourself, "why". Why would any one put themselves through it. Why would any God/Creator/Grandfather/Goddess etc. want someone to suffer? Bottomline, I don't think they would. But still we do...suffer. More on that in another blog...

So I'm on the journey and there are good days and bad days. Today was not so good. But here's what I re-learned today, that I can laugh. That there is sun outside and it is beautiful. That there are words that I can read that lift me out of my difficulties and there are words I can share that lift others out of thiers. It may seem trivial to some, but moments like these are full of personal power when we mine them for thier gifts. What is it that I'm skipping over every time I whine about my situation? How many times am I going to complain before I hear myself and do something, anything to change it?

For me, my chronic pain is a voice that I pay attention to...but choose to ignore. Sound familiar? Returning incessantly to remind me that I'm still in the same place I was before, I misunderstand the message. I can see that now, but not all the time. But there is a deeper message, I know that to be true. My quest is to discover the message encrypted in pain and discomfort, and see if I can hear it. If any of this rings true to you, then please share your thoughts. They are great medicine. Thank you.